Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
