New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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