So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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