Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
