Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
