I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
