I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
