I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
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My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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