I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
The feeling are messing with the penis
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
