You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Randomize
