Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
