I'm jealous of your bromance
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
