So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
