i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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