so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
