You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
