I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
