You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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