I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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