if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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