I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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