Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i think my mom watched the whole time
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
