So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
