I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
