singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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