Whats the glycemic index on semen?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Randomize
