Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
