Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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