If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
