Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
