I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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