She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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