hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
