just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
