I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
