Pregnant stripper...not hot.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
