my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
