I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Oh god it's open bar.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
