Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
