Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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