Pass out mid-funnel last night.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
