My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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