i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
