when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
