I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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