I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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