I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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