I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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