You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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