oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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