Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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