If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
you had me at cake vodka
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
