By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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