i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
