Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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