the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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