im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
