Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
